(And you probably are, too.)

I tell all of my sparkly-eyed, freshly minted collegiate girlfriends the one bit of advice that no one gave me upon entering into the world of university. (Mum, you probably gave it to me, but didn’t put it in the swanky, hip metaphorical terms I would understand. Sorry, babe.)

Don’t have a boyfriend in college. It’s like eating before you go to a buffet; Never a good idea.

Sure, some couples fair fantastically in the collegiate world. * clap, clap, clap * We’re all thrilled for your amorous bliss. If you’re going to plop yourself into a relationship in college, at least pick a dude with a car. You deserve to get something out of it (also make sure he has a real job: the lead singer of a mid-level, local band does not count. It does not matter how many MySpace friends they have). If you’re anything like the rest of us, why willingly volunteer to be tied down in a relationship during the famed “best years of your life”? Trust me, you’ll miss out on meeting a thousand great people, at least 3 super keggers, and no one will invite you and your boyfriend to that awesome 10 am tailgate party. If you eat before you hit the buffet, you won’t have much fun. You’ll miss out on all the dishes everyone else is sampling.

If you do opt for a boyfriend in college, let me tell you that the most fun ones are the gay ones. They’re down for anything (socially), they’ll always be honest about how you look, and they never complain about shopping. Bonus – you don’t ever have to fret about the awkward sexual tension! You and your gay boyfriend will meet a ton of guys, however, they might not all want to shake the peaches from your tree, if you catch my drift.

Let me stress that this is not an open invitation to be a loose woman, nobody likes a Sleep-Around Sally. Take this to heart, rather, as a tip to encourage you opening yourself up to the experiences you might otherwise miss. You don’t get those years back, so live it up, baby.

I am by no means the source on relationship advice. I womp at dating, mainly because I conduct myself very much like Date Mike (see clip below, please). I’m sorry, but what kind of world do we live in where guys wouldn’t go for that in a chick? Being “sexy” is a very weird concept to me, but nevertheless, I try very hard (i.e. I try to keep my nails painted and occasionally buy underwear that isn’t on sale). Ideally, I would enter a relationship at the three-month mark, where watching cat videos on YouTube in my not-on-sale underwears counts as a date and expressing our mutual love of gnocchi is steamy, hot foreplay. This is not to say that I’m not an adventurous person. I have plenty of adventure in me…

Example A: once my BFF & I signed up for match.com. I went on one date-ish and I kept my account active long after she bailed. So yeah, I’m a thrill-seeker.

Example B: once (not so very long ago) after a wedding, I slept in my car in a hotel parking lot, making sure I was extremely well hidden from would-be predators under a Finding Nemo blanket I made in the 9th grade. “Adventure” might as well be my middle name.

Lesson learned: While I am quite the adventurer, I’m not currently awesome at relationships, mainly because I spent the majority of my collegiate years tied to the same guy and missed out on the people-meeting, tailgate-going, university buffet. Now I’m playing catch up. Truthfully, I met some really fantastic people in school that I love dearly, and I didn’t miss out on all the parties, but if I would have obeyed the “Don’t have a flippin’ boyfriend!” rule from the get-go, I would have been able to experience a lot more. Thankfully, now I have a gig that affords me the opportunity to meet gaggles of wonderful people, visit some pretty superb local hotspots, and exercise mon français. Listen up, mes amis, don’t waste your fun collegiate buffet years, and never be afraid of a little adventure.

BRB, changing my Facebook relationship status to “HAH!”